August, 2002

You can tell it's a slow year for the National Hurricane Center. Today, they announced that
they are going to upgrade Hurricane Andrew. Yep, the revisionists over there have decided the 
Hurricane was actually a category 5 storm when it made landfall with sustained wind speeds of 
155 mph. Not a category 4 with 145. That 1992 beast tore up South Florida like a teen boy 
tearing up his first prostitute. The "NHC" put it a little less poetically. For one, they 
pointed out that the wind-gauges in the most intense areas were all blown away. This really 
throws your data in disarray. My guess is it was entire buildings blown away and not just the 
weather gauges. Maybe they're saving that revision for another slow hurricane year. Wouldn't 
wanna get downsized, right?

Anyhow, after some years of study, they say if Andrew were classified by today's standards
and knowledge, it would be a 5. So now it was. Fine with me.

So now he joins only 1969's Camille and the unnamed Labor Day storm of 1935 as category 5's
to whack the good old US of A. He. Remember the days when storms were just named after women?
Some feminists were upset or something like that. Really, I don't even know how the story
goes. I don't even care. I'm making up my own version. It's probably more interesting anyhow.
So my story is that in 1979 the Hurricane Center capitulated to some feminist group or
another and decided to alternate the names of storms. Girl-boy, girl-boy, girl-boy.

Well, I like the female names better. Somehow, "Alexis batters South Florida" is more
frightening, interesting and to be honest, sexy to me than "Andrew batters South Florida".
Besides, it's Mother Nature and SHE shouldn't change sexes midstream. She has a lot of work
to do still and sex operations might mess up the whole thing. Why someone wouldn't want
powerful things names after them is beyond me. If a big old dinosaur-killing sized asteroid
ever heads our way, I personally volunteer my name for the thing. Asteroid Colin. Beautiful.
"Duck and cover", motherfuckers!